Shame: What Memoir Writing Taught Me About Guilt, Grief and Shame

Why it is so Hard to be Free of Shame

Shame thrives in silence and secrecy. It isolates you, convincing you that you’re alone in your flaws. But paradoxically, shame is universal—every human experiences it. The difference lies in whether it is carried in hiding or brought into the light.

Shame is one of the deepest and most complex human emotions—it goes beyond guilt. Guilt says, “I did something wrong.” Shame says, “I am wrong.”

It often forms in childhood, especially in environments where love, safety, and acceptance were conditional. Instead of believing “my behavior was criticized,” a child concludes, “something is wrong with me.”

Over time, shame becomes an internalized voice that colors how you see yourself and others.

Can you relate to any of these below?

• Self-condemnation: Harsh inner dialogue, never feeling “enough.”

• Hiding: Avoiding vulnerability, authenticity, or intimacy for fear of rejection.

• People-pleasing: Trying to earn worth through others’ approval.

• Perfectionism: Attempting to outrun shame by never making mistakes.

• Body or soul disconnection: Feeling unworthy of pleasure, beauty, or joy.

Ways to heal from Shame

• Awareness: Naming shame loosens its grip. Saying, “I’m feeling shame,” interrupts its power.

• Compassion: Meeting your wounded self with kindness rather than judgment.

• Safe Connection: Healing relationships, therapy, or spiritual community help dismantle shame’s lie that you’re unlovable.

• Truth: Replacing the false identity (“I am bad”) with a deeper truth: You are worthy, loved, and whole.

   

Writing my memoir has forced me to confront shame head-on. Unlike an autobiography, a memoir requires me to return to my child-self—to feel how abuse landed in my body, settled into my bones, and imprinted on my heart. At first, I was filled with grief, guilt, and shame as I worked on abusive memories. But with each memory I write and share with people that are safe, I feel more free. 

There is grief over my parents’ hurt. Guilt, because I rejected my younger self—I believed she was a loser, unwanted and rejected. I spent years trying to prove I was not her. And the shame— born of the sexual abuse by my father. Tragically, children almost always believe they are to blame for such abuse. However, you do not need to have abuse to feel shame. We can believe we are shameful for many different reasons.

Shame makes us dissociate from feelings that are too much to bear. It’s a survival mechanism: we push away the unbearable to keep going, but in doing so, we live fractured lives. True freedom begins by addressing shame in safe, compassionate spaces—where you’re not judged, not “fixed,” but accepted and loved as you are.

When I tried therapy, I was analyzed, which only reinforced my belief that I was the problem. I most needed to hear: “I am so sorry that happened to you. It was not your fault.”  There was a strong part of me that didn't believe there was anything wrong with me. I figured that the abuse caused most of the fear and shame in me and I was determined to find answers to truth and freedom.

This hunger for healing is what led me to discover tools that finally brought freedom—and that I now share with others. A big part of my healing came from the belief that if I was made by God, I must be worthy of love and freedom. 

Healing from shame is possible and you are worth being free.

Please reach out to me if you want to be free from shame, guilt and grief and become more whole.

With love,