Healthy Communication During the Holidays: How to Speak with Respect and Set Boundaries

When families come together during the holidays, a lack of good communication skills can cause stress. Personal relationships can be hurtful and stressful if you:

- Do not practice self-awareness and therefore are unaware that what you are saying, or the way you are saying it, might be hurtful to another.
- Think that your way is the best and don’t have respect for others’ opinions.
- Do not practice good manners. Politeness, good manners, and kindness go a long way in all relationships.
- Do not have patience. Be aware that when you get together for the holidays, it is only for a short time, and it bodes well for you in the long run to tolerate some things not going your way patiently.
- Are not good listeners

You should not have to put up with brutish, cruel, belittling, or aggressive behavior. I strongly encourage you to establish and maintain firm, healthy boundaries and to assert yourself when your boundaries are crossed.

If you are the one who said or did something hurtful, I encourage you to clean up your relationship as soon as possible. Taking responsibility for what you say or do means you are a mature and wise person.

As human beings, we are bound to mess up, but we also have the opportunity to grow. Coming together as a family and extended family can be fraught with past hurts that have not been worked through or healed; it’s easy for younger parts of us to be triggered by the past.

For some, it might be easy to let the hurt go and forgive the person. For some, not so much because it is loaded with past hurts and quite often trauma. This means inner healing work is essential.

Here’s an example of how to communicate whether you are the one who caused the hurt or the recipient.

“Cynthia, I am so sorry I spoke harshly to you. It was inappropriate, and I didn’t realize it was hurtful. I apologize if I demeaned you or hurt you in any way. You deserve to be spoken to in a kind and respectful way; I hope you can forgive me.”

“John, I forgive you, but this behavior is something I have had to tolerate for years. I expect you to get some help for this issue, as it makes me not want to be around you.”

Life is too short to harbor resentments and bitterness. Unfortunately, some people may never choose to undertake the emotional work necessary to effect change. That’s when you need to have firm, healthy boundaries.

If you are the one who was hurt, here’s an example of what you can say:

“Jeff, when you spoke to me that way and in that tone of voice, I felt attacked, and I was hurt. There was no reason at all for you to speak to me that way. Regardless of how you feel about an issue, I expect you to express yourself courteously and with respect toward me. If you want me to be around you, I insist that you treat me with the same honor and respect that I treat you.”

Practice EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques), also known as Tapping.

It is an effective technique for calming your emotions. It is simple to do, and it can help you drop out of your head and into your heart—a much better place to communicate from than your head. We can get stuck in a hamster wheel of anger and self-righteousness or “he said, she said” conversations. Some are so self-absorbed that they are unaware of the damage they cause, and if you are the recipient of that person’s lack of awareness, you can let them know how that makes you feel. Coming from the heart can sometimes break through their shell and help them recognize the harm of their selfish behavior.

You can tap before you go to an event where you feel you might be triggered. I have added my EBook with tapping scripts to address a few issues that might arise before you go to a holiday event. It will help you feel less triggered, so you might see some miracles! Click on the title here to access the EBook.