How to Improve Your Emotional Intelligence with EFT

Recently, I read an article by Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence, in which he discussed the importance of emotional intelligence in leadership. Goleman emphasizes that knowledge, talent, and vision matter; however, the ability to understand and manage emotions, both our own and others’ is of critical importance. His point made me reflect on the fact that emotional intelligence isn’t only for business leaders. It’s essential for anyone in any position of influence — parents, partners, friends — anyone who wants healthier relationships and a more grounded life.

He shares his shortlist of the competencies below.

"1. SELF-AWARENESS

Realistic self-confidence: You understand your strengths and limitations; you operate from competence and know when to rely on someone else on the team.

Emotional insight: You understand your feelings. Being aware of what makes you angry, for instance, can help you manage that anger.

2. SELF-MANAGEMENT

Resilience: You stay calm under pressure and recover quickly from upsets. You don’t brood or panic. In a crisis, people look to the leader for reassurance; if the leader is calm, they can be, too.

Emotional balance: You keep any distressful feelings in check — instead of blowing up at people, you let them know what’s wrong and what the solution is.

Self-motivation: You keep moving toward distant goals despite setbacks.

3. EMPATHY

Cognitive and emotional empathy: Because you understand other perspectives, you can put things in ways colleagues comprehend. And you welcome their questions, just to be sure. Cognitive empathy, along with reading another person’s feelings accurately, makes for effective communication.

Good listening: You pay full attention to the other person and take time to understand what they are saying, without talking over them or hijacking the agenda.

4. RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

Compelling communication: You put your points in persuasive, clear ways so that people are motivated as well as clear about expectations.

Team playing: People feel relaxed working with you. One sign: They laugh easily around you."

How to Develop Emotional Intelligence 

That’s a great list from Daniel, and it is possible to develop better emotional intelligence, often referred to as EQ or Emotional Quotient.

So, how do you gain those skills and competencies if you are lacking in some areas?

Travis Bradbury, co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, says, “As you discover and practice new emotional intelligence skills, the billions of microscopic neurons lining the road between the rational and emotional centers of your brain, branch off small 'arms' (much like a tree) to reach out to other cells. A single cell can form up to 15,000 connections with its neighbors. This chain reaction of growth ensures that it’s easier to initiate a new behavior in the future.

As you train your brain by repeatedly practicing new emotionally intelligent behaviors, your brain builds the pathways needed to make them into habits. Before long, you begin responding to your surroundings with emotional intelligence without even having to think about it. And just as your brain reinforces the use of new behaviors, the connections supporting old, destructive behaviors will die off as you learn to limit your use of them.”

Neural Pathways and the Nervous System

Yes, that’s true, there is a definite relationship between the neural pathways in the brain and learning new skills. When the parasympathetic nervous system is activated, these pathways in the brain can function effectively, providing the flexibility needed to reinforce new and positive behaviors. When you are relaxed and calm in your body, you can think more clearly. Oxygen flows to your brain, you can breathe more deeply, and you are more present in your body. This enables you to be more self-aware of your emotions and respond to situations more calmly. 

When you’re not stressed, your emotional intelligence naturally increases. But when you move through life in a state of fear or anxiety—living in sympathetic-nervous-system mode—it becomes much harder to have emotional clarity (and in some cases almost impossible). All your internal resources are being diverted toward one priority: survival.

When the stress response is triggered, blood rushes to your extremities so you’re ready to fight, flee, or freeze. Meanwhile, your limbic system in the brain (see below) scans every interaction and every moment, asking, “Am I safe?” This constant checking leaves you hyper-vigilant. Your body uses every ounce of energy to protect you, which means there’s very little left for emotional regulation, empathy, or thoughtful decision-making.

The Limbic System

The limbic system supports many essential functions—emotion, behavior, motivation, long-term memory, and even your sense of smell. It also drives key survival behaviors such as feeding, reproduction, caring for your young, and activating the fight-flight-freeze response.

As the emotional center of the brain, the limbic system comprises structures such as the amygdala and hippocampus. These areas help you process emotions, store memories, and quickly detect potential threats.

When you experience stress, the limbic system becomes highly activated—especially the amygdala. It sends a signal to your body that says, “Something might be wrong.” This triggers the stress response, prompting you to enter a state of fight-or-flight. Your heart rate increases, your muscles tense, and your body prepares for action, or the fear level can be so high that a person will go into a state of freeze. 

In those states, fight-flight or freeze, the rational, logical part of your brain (the prefrontal cortex) goes offline. That’s why it’s harder to think clearly, stay calm, or be emotionally intelligent when you’re stressed. The limbic system is doing precisely what it was designed to do: keep you safe.

The freeze state

Humans have the same survival wiring as animals. In what feels like overwhelming danger, the body can automatically shift into a freeze response. It shuts down, numbs out, and becomes immobile to survive what feels inescapable. In this state, they are unable to think clearly or have any emotional intelligence. 

Core Beliefs

It can take very little to trigger you into a sympathetic nervous system state—a sharp comment, a crisis at work, a certain look, a pile of tasks suddenly dropped on your desk, or an argument with your partner. These reactions don’t come out of nowhere; they’re tied to deeply rooted beliefs, many of which live in the subconscious.

Those old beliefs can keep you stuck in patterns that limit your emotional intelligence. Remember those neural pathways? They can’t fire in supportive, expansive ways when fear is running the show. When negative beliefs are activated, your mind can’t easily shift into positive, balanced thinking. You can’t “think your way out” of fear that was wired into you long ago, often in childhood

EFT and Matrix Reimprinting help to change limiting beliefs

EFT is a powerful tool that helps restore the natural flow of energy in the body, brings oxygen back into the brain, and returns you to homeostasis—the parasympathetic, calm state. From that place, you can release fear and begin to adopt new, healthier beliefs.

If you’ve been carrying subconscious beliefs such as “I’m not good enough… I don’t measure up… I can’t handle this… I’m not safe,” there is a way through. Imagine the shift if your beliefs sounded more like, “I’m safe. I am good enough. I might make mistakes, but they’re fixable.”

The truth is, the beliefs driving you—about 95% of the time—come from your subconscious. Your beliefs shape your thoughts, your thoughts generate your emotions, and your emotions dictate how you react. We have roughly 70,000 thoughts a day, and for many people, a significant portion of these thoughts are negative.

You may know precisely how you should respond in a moment of stress, yet underneath the calm exterior, your body tells another story: your stomach tightens, your heart races, your palms sweat, and every muscle tenses. You may not cry or lash out, but you feel the internal spike of being triggered—and staying balanced becomes incredibly hard. 

This ongoing inner battle takes a heavy toll on the body. When repeated day after day, it creates chronic emotional and physical stress and can eventually lead to adrenal fatigue—something none of us wants to live with.

It’s possible to upgrade our beliefs 

It is possible to overcome these subconscious triggers. I’ve been there myself—there were times in my life when I had very little emotional intelligence. It took years of seeking, healing, and learning to discover the most effective ways to calm my fears and grow into a more grounded and more emotionally intelligent version of myself. And if I can do it, you can too.

Helping people transform those old subconscious beliefs—and reclaim their emotional freedom—is my passion. When you shift the core beliefs running you, deep within, your Emotional Intelligence will develop naturally. You become more confident and resilient, able to achieve your goals and live with more personal agency.

If you’d like to explore how this work could support you, I’d love to offer a complimentary 20-minute discovery call. Click this link “Book a Call” to choose a time that works for you.

“Simply, working with Gail changed my life. The shift in thinking and moving through the day was dramatic. I had been stuck for a long time. Self-doubt, fear, and resentment were the norm. Gail’s mix of tapping, EFT, IFS, Matrix Reimprinting, talk (sounds daunting . . . process a smooth, safe surrender) released much that was old and made room for the new (how about some acceptance, forgiveness, hope . . . Wonderful). You will be amazed by Gail’s graceful presence, the powerful dance of her practice, and the result. Truly a gift – the changer and the change.” ~ Sam Mulcahy

Mr. Goleman is the author of “Emotional Intelligence”, and “The Power of Emotional Intelligence in Leadership”.

Travis Bradbury is the co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0 and CEO of TalentSmart https://www.talentsmart.com/products/emotional-intelligence-2.0/

Love,